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The Unicorn Episode 07 with Ben Kronberg

942505_10151505466243071_1307543007_nI’ve known Ben for my entire comedy career and he is hands-down one of the most unique, creative and just plain fucking weird comics I know. But don’t take my word for it, listen to his episode of The Unicorn, which may be our best yet!

 

Posted: March 7th, 2014
Categories: The Unicorn Podcast
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The Unicorn Episode 06 with Michelle Miracle

Episode 6: Michelle Miracle unicorn-michelle-miracle unicorn-michelle-miracle2We chat about our Air Sex moves (or maybe just mine) and Michelle Miracle redefines horror talking about the worst dick she’s ever ‘seen’.

 

Posted: February 10th, 2014
Categories: Andrew's Rants, The Unicorn Podcast
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The Unicorn Episode 05 with Baron Vaughn

VaughnBeev

 

It’s episode 5 of The Unicorn, with Baron Vaughn! Despite Baron’s rapid-fire, dizzying comedy skills on stage, this episode reveals his more thoughtful side.

Posted: January 9th, 2014
Categories: Andrew's Rants, The Unicorn Podcast
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The Unicorn Episode 04 with Kristin Rand

Denver comedian and actor Kristin Rand joined Talitha K and I to talk about rape-proof underpants, minty-cool man gravy, and relationship tips for polyamorous kindergarteners. Yes, that’s a thing. Give a listen!

kristen-rand-denver-comedy

Posted: December 4th, 2013
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The Unicorn Episode 03 with Dave Stone & Special Co-Host Amber Tozer

It’s the third episode of ‘The Unicorn’! Comedian Dave Stone was kind enough to stop by one afternoon during the High Plains Comedy Festival and guest co-host Amber Tozer filled in admirably for Talitha K. This episode is really funny, hope you enjoy listening as much as we enjoyed making it!

DaveStone

Posted: October 25th, 2013
Categories: The Unicorn Podcast
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The Unicorn Episode 02 with Cameron Esposito

Episode 2 of The Unicorn features the hilarious and fiercely intelligent Cameron Esposito. This podcast was recorded when she visited Denver for the High Plains Comedy Festival. We discuss what a free speech really means and interview Cameron about her intimidating sex statistics.

LISTEN:

Posted: September 28th, 2013
Categories: The Unicorn Podcast
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The Unicorn Episode 01 with Kyle Kinane

It’s the debut of my new podcast, The Unicorn! My pal Talitha K. and I talk to our comedian guests about their sex lives and relationships, and maybe divulge a few stories about ourselves in the process. This episode was so much fun to record, hopefully you find it equally entertaining.

the-unicorn

Big thanks to Ron Doyle of the Denver Diatribe for producing, Michael King for the artwork, Jesse Case (the LA comic) for the intro song, and perhaps most importantly, Kayvan Khalatbari aka the Sexy Sheikh, of Sexy Pizza and Denver Relief, for sponsoring this endeavor financially.

Posted: August 21st, 2013
Categories: The Unicorn Podcast
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My guide to the High Plains Comedy Festival: pt. 2 – Saturday

In the previous blog I told you what I would do Friday night at the High Plains Comedy Festival. So after a good six hours of sleep, wake up around 11 and have a hangover brunch at Sassafras or The Universal.

Saturday:

4pm, Hi-Dive: Adam Cayton-Holland has a special live recording of his great podcast ‘My Dining Room Table’, with guests Ben Roy and Kurt Braunohler. Maybe he’ll bring his table from home, just for authenticity?

6pm, Three Kings: I would get some crunchy spicy tuna rolls from Go Fish and then head down to Three Kings for another ridiculous lineup, top to bottom. Sam Tallent, perhaps second only to Chuck Roy in the hosting game, MCs a super show with Jake Weisman, Zach Peterson, Ian Douglas Terry, Matt Knudson, Bryan Cook, and the incredible Howard Kremer.

7pm, The Gothic: Saturday has two special shows at The Gothic theater a bit further down Broadway. The first is a special edition of The Grawlix, with the usual Grawlix gang, an appearance by Denver’s only a cappella dubstep group The Mouthstepperz, plus special guests including one super special guest who is only appearing at this show! (maybe)

10pm, The Gothic: Go to Moe’s BBQ next door and grab a sandwich to fuel up for the main event. It’s the headlining show with Reggie Watts! If you’ve never seen Reggie Watts, you won’t want to miss one of the most unique and talented performers I’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t even call it comedy, it would seem insulting. I was actually surprised Juett and Cayton-Holland were even able to land him. Rounding out the bill are some of the very best: Kate Berlant, Sean Patton, and the rascally Brendon Walsh, plus more.

Afterparty: I believe everyone is going back over to Moe’s, for drinks, pinball and bowling.

Posted: August 20th, 2013
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I Love Guns.

I love guns. I always have. I was lucky enough to grow up in the era when G.I. Joe figures had little black guns modeled after the real thing, not big silly neon green missile launchers. When I was in high school, I was the go-to guy for drawing guns. If you had a cool picture that needed an appropriately cool gun, I was the kid to talk to.

But I think gun playtime has come to an end in America. Can a few people ruin something for a larger group? Yes, definitely. It happens all the time. That’s an actual thing that happens. And a few people have definitely ruined gun ownership for the United States.

Why can’t the U.S. be like Japan, where guns are illegal, and instead the citizens spend their time making the world’s coolest shit and world’s weirdest cartoons? I can’t so much as solder a basic calculator, but thank god I’m able to own a small arsenal in my home.

I brought these concerns to my mother, who said the line that many before her have said: “Well, if guns are illegal, only bad guys will have guns.” WHAT A GREAT SYSTEM FOR FINDING BAD GUYS. That sounds like a pretty reliable bad-guy detection system, personally.

But let’s look at/dismantle the three main reasons an American has a gun.

Hunting: Use a bow and arrow. It’s fairer, and gives you a better story. Plus, no one’s toddler has ever stepped on a bow and arrow while holding it under her chin and shot it through her head.

Home Defense: Get a dog. A dog is uniquely suited for home security, and a proven deterrent against would-be intruders. Do you really think your bumbling, sleep-addled ass is going to roll out of bed upon hearing a thump in the night and expertly make your way to your wall safe, spin the combination, then load and remove the gun? Whoever is coming into your house NEVER WENT TO SLEEP. They’re coming in hot, full of adrenaline, and breaking into your house is their job. The only way a gun makes sense for home defense is if you’re an irresponsible gun owner and your gun is loaded, ready to go on your nightstand.

Defense From The Government: This one is the most precious of all. If the government wants to come get you, they’re going to come get you. The government has an F-35 fighter jet that can stop and hover over your neighborhood and turn it into compost. Maybe you have a gun big enough to shoot at a jet? No worries, your government has spent your money well and has a remote-controlled drone that can fire missiles at your house from miles away. You’ll never even know it’s there. Of course, it’ll probably destroy a grocery store a few blocks away first on accident, but you’re next.

The only reason for gun ownership that I’ll accept is that you want to murder someone. Because guns are perfect for that. Otherwise, you just do not need to own one.

Perhaps you equate guns with freedom, and your basic American rights? How about equating actual freedom with freedom and basic American rights? How about gender equality, racial equality, gay equality, etc? You clutch a gun as a flagpole of freedom while you live in a country that is by no stretch of the imagination free for all her citizens. So weld a fucking rake head in the end of your rifle and take up gardening, because we’re a ways off from freedom.

But of course, there are real gun nuts who will never, ever relinquish their guns. How can we get these die-hard militants to surrender their guns willingly? I actually thought of an answer. What does a militantly conservative gun nut hate equally as much as he loves his guns?

Gay people.

We need to make guns AS GAY AS POSSIBLE. Pull all the stops. I want calendars of oiled-up shirtless dudes licking gun barrels. If you go visit someone’s house and they have a gun, say, “Oh, I didn’t know you were gay!” Make guns synonymous with gays and these gun worshippers will trip over themselves to turn them in.

Dumping an armload in the pile, “I ain’t no fag, take ’em all.”

“Darryl, what about your ankle piece?”

“…I’m a little bi.”

Posted: January 16th, 2013
Categories: Andrew's Rants, In the news
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10 Fun Facts About Fireworks

1. The first firecracker was invented in 810 A.D. by Jiao Ji, who celebrated his discovery by promptly flushing it down principal Chen’s toilet.

2. The word ‘firework’ is a portmanteau of the words ‘fire’ and ‘work’. Were you really too dumb to see that?

3. Did you know it’s legal to light off fireworks year-round in England? I guess that’s a decent consolation prize for losing a war with your own colony.

4. In Australia they call firecrackers ‘bungers’, which definitively proves they’re just an island of inbred convicts.

5. An estimated 9,600 people were injured by fireworks in 2011. Can you believe there were that many double dares issued in one year?

6. Israel uses fireworks to celebrate Purim, a holiday I just found out existed while googling the word ‘fireworks’.

7. In China, fireworks are not only completely legal, but actually mandatory for every citizen. Every person must detonate at least one firecracker per day or face imprisonment.

8. All fireworks except rockets are legal in Norway. Only rockets are legal in Sweden. Scandinavia is fucking weird.

9. High powered firecrackers such as M-80’s are categorized as ‘Class C’ fireworks. The C stands for Cool.

10. In 1910 the United States switched to using firecrackers to celebrate its Independence Day instead of the formal tradition of just shooting anyone who sounded vaguely British.

Posted: July 5th, 2012
Categories: Andrew's Rants, Random thoughts
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