News for the ‘In the news’ Category

The Tonight Show!

If you’re on my site you probably already knew this, but I’ll be telling jokes on The Tonight Show this coming Monday night! I am so excited that I am more just like a shuffling idiot zombie than stereotypically peppy. I can’t wait! And of course, my brain is already cooking up some stress nightmares for me! Here’s last night’s journal:

-As my set started, a black widow spider crawled out from the back of my sweater and bit me on the neck. I finished my set, but the bite swelled up horribly.

-Then my brain figured let’s take two on this, and the dream was the same, except when the spider emerged, Questlove ran over and brushed it off and saved me.

-Still not content, my brain took another take, and in this one a giant, Middle-Earth caliber spider dropped down and chomped me.

Posted: October 10th, 2014
Categories: In the news, Random thoughts
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The Barefoots featured in The Denver Post!

My daughter and my girlfriend’s son have their own cooking show, ‘The Barefoots’, and The Denver Post was cool enough to come by and do a little story on the show. If you haven’t seen the show, you can find the channel here.

Barefoots Logo2

Posted: August 20th, 2014
Categories: In the news, Random thoughts
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I Love Guns.

I love guns. I always have. I was lucky enough to grow up in the era when G.I. Joe figures had little black guns modeled after the real thing, not big silly neon green missile launchers. When I was in high school, I was the go-to guy for drawing guns. If you had a cool picture that needed an appropriately cool gun, I was the kid to talk to.

But I think gun playtime has come to an end in America. Can a few people ruin something for a larger group? Yes, definitely. It happens all the time. That’s an actual thing that happens. And a few people have definitely ruined gun ownership for the United States.

Why can’t the U.S. be like Japan, where guns are illegal, and instead the citizens spend their time making the world’s coolest shit and world’s weirdest cartoons? I can’t so much as solder a basic calculator, but thank god I’m able to own a small arsenal in my home.

I brought these concerns to my mother, who said the line that many before her have said: “Well, if guns are illegal, only bad guys will have guns.” WHAT A GREAT SYSTEM FOR FINDING BAD GUYS. That sounds like a pretty reliable bad-guy detection system, personally.

But let’s look at/dismantle the three main reasons an American has a gun.

Hunting: Use a bow and arrow. It’s fairer, and gives you a better story. Plus, no one’s toddler has ever stepped on a bow and arrow while holding it under her chin and shot it through her head.

Home Defense: Get a dog. A dog is uniquely suited for home security, and a proven deterrent against would-be intruders. Do you really think your bumbling, sleep-addled ass is going to roll out of bed upon hearing a thump in the night and expertly make your way to your wall safe, spin the combination, then load and remove the gun? Whoever is coming into your house NEVER WENT TO SLEEP. They’re coming in hot, full of adrenaline, and breaking into your house is their job. The only way a gun makes sense for home defense is if you’re an irresponsible gun owner and your gun is loaded, ready to go on your nightstand.

Defense From The Government: This one is the most precious of all. If the government wants to come get you, they’re going to come get you. The government has an F-35 fighter jet that can stop and hover over your neighborhood and turn it into compost. Maybe you have a gun big enough to shoot at a jet? No worries, your government has spent your money well and has a remote-controlled drone that can fire missiles at your house from miles away. You’ll never even know it’s there. Of course, it’ll probably destroy a grocery store a few blocks away first on accident, but you’re next.

The only reason for gun ownership that I’ll accept is that you want to murder someone. Because guns are perfect for that. Otherwise, you just do not need to own one.

Perhaps you equate guns with freedom, and your basic American rights? How about equating actual freedom with freedom and basic American rights? How about gender equality, racial equality, gay equality, etc? You clutch a gun as a flagpole of freedom while you live in a country that is by no stretch of the imagination free for all her citizens. So weld a fucking rake head in the end of your rifle and take up gardening, because we’re a ways off from freedom.

But of course, there are real gun nuts who will never, ever relinquish their guns. How can we get these die-hard militants to surrender their guns willingly? I actually thought of an answer. What does a militantly conservative gun nut hate equally as much as he loves his guns?

Gay people.

We need to make guns AS GAY AS POSSIBLE. Pull all the stops. I want calendars of oiled-up shirtless dudes licking gun barrels. If you go visit someone’s house and they have a gun, say, “Oh, I didn’t know you were gay!” Make guns synonymous with gays and these gun worshippers will trip over themselves to turn them in.

Dumping an armload in the pile, “I ain’t no fag, take ’em all.”

“Darryl, what about your ankle piece?”

“…I’m a little bi.”

Posted: January 16th, 2013
Categories: Andrew's Rants, In the news
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Weaksauce.

Most people have lost a pet in their lifetime.  Even if the loss is temporary (as with me), almost everyone knows that sickening feeling when you realize your animal buddy is lost, and you, their caretaker, probably let it happen.  It feels terrible.  I can imagine that if you do not recover your pet it feels even more terribler.  I know terribler is not a word.

Luckily for me, big fat Peaches will apparently jump happily into any stranger’s car, where she is deposited at the nearest vet.  She has ventured off a handful of times but I’ve always been lucky enough to find her before I had to create a missing pet poster.

Which brings me to the subject of this blog.  It seems the local weekly Westword, a paper which I have enjoyed to varying degrees over the years, has a new feature wherein their cartoonist Kenny Be finds missing pet flyers and then makes fun of them.

There’s two problems with this.  The first is that Kenny Be is decidedly unfunny.  His usual feature is a political cartoon where he skewers local politicians, which is precisely as funny as it sounds.  It’s the drawn equivalent of ‘WHO GIVES A FUCK!’

The second problem is that this feature would never be funny.  Not to anyone who has ever lost a pet, which is almost everyone.  To make this idea work you would have to be incredibly clever, and have an incredibly clever idea.  I’ve actually found an example of this, and you can find it here on David Thorne’s amazing website.  I have no idea if Missy is actually missing, but it’s a very funny feature either way.

Here is Kenny Be’s Westword feature.  Feel free to look over the three entries, and soak in the comedy.  And, if you’ve made it this far in my blog, and have the time, leave a comment on there and let them know just how un-fucking-funny this feature is.

Posted: September 11th, 2011
Categories: Andrew's Rants, In the news, Random thoughts
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RISK!

If you didn’t know, either because you’ve never read this blog before, or your reading comprehension is terrible, the RISK! storytelling show has been sifting through my Narrators stories for suitable tales for their show, and they found one!

Congrats to Jan Scott-Frazier for having her story played on the RISK! show!  If you want to check out Jan’s excellent story, it’s here.  Jan tells a great story about discovering a troubled woman while living in Japan.

Also, the podcast for last night’s Narrators show should be up by next Wednesday, so look out for that.  But also, I’ll remind you like 12 times.

Posted: September 8th, 2011
Categories: In the news
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Narrators Podcast coming soon!

I’m excited to announce that my storytelling show The Narrators is going to be podcast, beginning with tonight’s episode!  Usually the live show is 90-120 minutes long, but I will be editing the podcast down to 60-70 minutes.  Unfortunately I will inevitably end up cutting great stories, so if you want the entire show, uncut and real, keep coming down and supporting the real thing!  But, if you miss a show, or live far away, now you will be able to check it out at your leisure!  I will try to have the podcast up one week from the show, so look for it next Wednesday, August 10th!

Posted: August 4th, 2011
Categories: In the news, Random thoughts, Shows
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Inspiration point

Throughout my comedy career I’ve seen many inspiring performances, probably too many to count.  Long ago I threw my friend Dave to the wolves by making him open for me at a Balkan Folk Music fund-raiser.  Although Dave ate terrible, terrible shit, he did so gamely, never sacrificing his dignity on the alter conveniently placed behind him.  It was inspiring to see someone stand tall regardless of the circumstances.

If I had to choose the most inspiring thing I’ve ever seen from a comedian, though, it would be T.J. Miller’s recent set at the Comedy Works here in Denver.  He was only doing 15 minutes at the end of the show, and when he came out the crowd was tired and antsy.  About one minute in he mentioned he had been in the film Yogi Bear, and a woman in the crowd interrupted him with, “What’s your point?”  The crowd around her booed, but T.J. hushed them: “Don’t worry, I’m about to verbally ruin her.”

TJ MillerT.J. Miller’s photo from his Twitter profile @NotTJMiller

And then he did just that.  I won’t do his performance the disservice of trying to recall it here in typed words, but needless to say after an entirely improvised 15-minute skewering T.J. left the stage to a thunderous standing ovation.  He didn’t do any written material, improvised on one sentence someone heckled him with, and then left to a standing O, something reserved for knockout hour-long headlining sets.

Tomorrow night T.J. is recording his first Comedy Central special at the Boulder Theater, doing two free shows at 7:30 and 9:30.  You can get your free tickets on the Boulder Theater website (if any are left).  And if this sounds like an advertisement- it is.  It’s an advertisement for you to see one of the best comedians I’ve ever seen, recording a comedy special, for free.

You miss it at your peril.

Posted: May 20th, 2011
Categories: In the news, Random thoughts
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