I Love Guns.

I love guns. I always have. I was lucky enough to grow up in the era when G.I. Joe figures had little black guns modeled after the real thing, not big silly neon green missile launchers. When I was in high school, I was the go-to guy for drawing guns. If you had a cool picture that needed an appropriately cool gun, I was the kid to talk to.

But I think gun playtime has come to an end in America. Can a few people ruin something for a larger group? Yes, definitely. It happens all the time. That’s an actual thing that happens. And a few people have definitely ruined gun ownership for the United States.

Why can’t the U.S. be like Japan, where guns are illegal, and instead the citizens spend their time making the world’s coolest shit and world’s weirdest cartoons? I can’t so much as solder a basic calculator, but thank god I’m able to own a small arsenal in my home.

I brought these concerns to my mother, who said the line that many before her have said: “Well, if guns are illegal, only bad guys will have guns.” WHAT A GREAT SYSTEM FOR FINDING BAD GUYS. That sounds like a pretty reliable┬ábad-guy detection system, personally.

But let’s look at/dismantle the three main reasons an American has a gun.

Hunting: Use a bow and arrow. It’s fairer, and gives you a better story. Plus, no one’s toddler has ever stepped on a bow and arrow while holding it under her chin and shot it through her head.

Home Defense: Get a dog. A dog is uniquely suited for home security, and a proven deterrent against would-be intruders. Do you really think your bumbling, sleep-addled ass is going to roll out of bed upon hearing a thump in the night and expertly make your way to your wall safe, spin the combination, then load and remove the gun? Whoever is coming into your house NEVER WENT TO SLEEP. They’re coming in hot, full of adrenaline, and breaking into your house is their job. The only way a gun makes sense for home defense is if you’re an irresponsible gun owner and your gun is loaded, ready to go on your nightstand.

Defense From The Government:┬áThis one is the most precious of all. If the government wants to come get you, they’re going to come get you. The government has an F-35 fighter jet that can stop and hover over your neighborhood and turn it into compost. Maybe you have a gun big enough to shoot at a jet? No worries, your government has spent your money well and has a remote-controlled drone that can fire missiles at your house from miles away. You’ll never even know it’s there. Of course, it’ll probably destroy a grocery store a few blocks away first on accident, but you’re next.

The only reason for gun ownership that I’ll accept is that you want to murder someone. Because guns are perfect for that. Otherwise, you just do not need to own one.

Perhaps you equate guns with freedom, and your basic American rights? How about equating actual freedom with freedom and basic American rights? How about gender equality, racial equality, gay equality, etc? You clutch a gun as a flagpole of freedom while you live in a country that is by no stretch of the imagination free for all her citizens. So weld a fucking rake head in the end of your rifle and take up gardening, because we’re a ways off from freedom.

But of course, there are real gun nuts who will never, ever relinquish their guns. How can we get these die-hard militants to surrender their guns willingly? I actually thought of an answer. What does a militantly conservative gun nut hate equally as much as he loves his guns?

Gay people.

We need to make guns AS GAY AS POSSIBLE. Pull all the stops. I want calendars of oiled-up shirtless dudes licking gun barrels. If you go visit someone’s house and they have a gun, say, “Oh, I didn’t know you were gay!” Make guns synonymous with gays and these gun worshippers will trip over themselves to turn them in.

Dumping an armload in the pile, “I ain’t no fag, take ’em all.”

“Darryl, what about your ankle piece?”

“…I’m a little bi.”

Posted: January 16th, 2013
Categories: Andrew's Rants, In the news
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