Recipes III

Rustic 5-grain cereal

-1 cup whole wheat

-1 cup buckwheat

-1 cup spelt

-1 cup millet

-1 cup rye seed

Gather each grain in a field using a scythe and woven basket.  Grind grains into meal using giant stone wheel and team of oxen.  Walk three miles to a creek and fill lamb’s stomach with water.  Cook cereal over smithy’s stove for 4 hours.  Deliver to land baron. Repeat for life. (27 years)

World’s Best Tuna Salad

-1 can tuna

– some mayonnaise

-Absolutely nothing else

Combine tuna and mayonnaise and absolutely nothing else.  Resist impulse to fuck up tuna salad by adding anything else at all, including, but not limited to: relish, onions, green onions, peppers, celery, apple chunks, cheese, raisins, craisins, black licorice, and cigarette butts.

Angel Food Cake

-1 cups pastry flour

-12 eggs, separated

-1 cup sugar

-1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Make cake like you’re supposed to.  Watch through oven window as cake gradually sinks and slumps, crushing your dream and ruining the birthday party.  You gave it your best shot.  Dave is gonna run to Albertsons and just buy one, you go sit down and relax.

3-Cheese Quesadilla

-1 cup shredded cheddar, Monterey jack, and asadero cheese

-1 large tortilla

Did you really need a recipe to make a quesadilla, idiot?

Homestyle Apple Pie

If you know a good apple pie recipe, let me know, I got nothin’.

Calorie Cutter Diet Cherry Pie

-1 stick unsalted butter

-1 cup pastry flour

-1 cup white sugar

-1/2 cup brown sugar

-1 can cherry pie filling

Make pie and bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.  Let pie cool and then help yourself to a generous slice.  Whoops, wrong recipe!

Ants on a Face

-1 package of black currants

-1 Mr. Potato Head toy, generously covered in cream cheese

Place currant ‘ants’ all over the cream cheese.  Serve on a large plate, splattered with beet juice.

Zesty Chex Mix

3 cups corn chex cereal

3 cups wheat chex cereal

¼ cup Worchester sauce

½ teaspoon you’re really going to make fucking chex mix at home?  You know they sell this shit literally everywhere, right?  I’ll go get some at 7-11, Wolfgang Puck.

The Cannon

2 bowls of oatmeal, or any high fiber cereal (hot or cold)

3 cups coffee, slugged in rapid succession

Combine ingredients in a hasty, stressful breakfast.  Allow recipe to build power from 10 to 20 minutes.  Have industrial strength toilet near sprinting distance.

Posted: August 12th, 2011
Categories: Random thoughts
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