Close, but I didn’t even say cigar.

I was recently interviewed by local weekly paper The Westword for my upcoming Narrators show, which is doubling as a benefit for the Derailer bicycle collective.  While I appreciate the plug for my show, and people who have not recently been outed as sex offenders will tell you any press is good press, I would have enjoyed it even more if they had used the words I had actually said instead of made-up ones.  You can read the short interview here on their site, but save yourself the trouble, I’ll break it down below.

>>“Denver has this explosive cycling scene, and it seems like everyone around here has a good bike story,” says Andrew Orvedahl, the local comedian behind The Narrators, a storytelling event held at 8 p.m. the first Wednesday of every month at Paris Wine Bar, 1553 Platte Street.<<

While I probably talked about Denver’s growing bicycle scene, I don’t believe everyone has a good bike story.

>>“If anybody has any good bike stories, e-mail me at thenarrators2000@gmail.com and I’ll see if we can get you on the list.”<<

This is the only quote which is almost definitely true.  I did give my email address, in hopes of storytellers contacting me.  Unfortunately that email address is TheNarrators3000@gmail.com.  Oh well, only a thousand numbers off, and what a surprise, no one emailed me about getting on the show.

>>Orvedahl says he’s hoping for some good crash stories, reflections on two-wheeled childhoods, and tales of fixies versus roadies on the open road.<<

Wrong.  While I said I hoped to get a mix of stories, including childhood bike tales, I’m not hoping for crash stories.  If anything I’m hoping that they aren’t ALL crash stories.  Also, I have zero interest in tales of ‘fixies versus roadies on the open road’.  At no point in the interview would I have said the word ‘fixie’ or the word ‘roadie’.  Nor do these two groups frequently clash on the ‘open road’.

>>Admission is always free, but the tip jar for this June installment is earmarked for the Derailer Bicycle Collective, and Orvedahl is asking folks to bring a few extra bucks for the cause or consider volunteering at Derailer.<<

There’s no quote here, but I do want to point out that there is no tip jar at the show.  I will pass around some receptacle for people to throw cash in.  But maybe I should implement a tip jar in the future.  Good suggestion- wish I’d thought of it.

>>The non-profit, all-volunteer community bicycle collective at 411 Lipan Street offers free bikes — as well as parts, tools and workbench workshops — for people who need them.<<

This is perhaps the part that made me most angry.  At no point would I have even suggested that Derailer offers free bikes, because I know that this is not true, and I have told people that in person in the past.  So now people can read this interview and think ‘free bike!’ and go waste the people’s time at Derailer.  Press for a show to benefit them turns into an advertisement for magical free bikes that they do not supply.

>>“It makes me want to support the folks at Derailer even more when I think about all the crazy stuff I’ve gotten into over the years thanks to my bike,” Orvedahl says.<<

Wait, what?  Folks?  Crazy stuff?  This is the most clumsily crafted fabrication.  I don’t ever say the word folks, because I’m not 72-years old.  Also, my bike has gotten me into zero crazy stuff.  Some crashes, some accidents, but mostly just transportation from point A to B.  I’ve never put an alien in a basket on the front of my bike and flown across the moon.

So I don’t know if the interviewer lost his notes, or just decided ‘fuck it’, when he sat down to type up this plug.  Granted, I’ll be the first to admit it was a bland interview.  However, in the interview I talked about how much I loved bicycles and cycling in general because it’s a very egalitarian activity.  Almost anyone can do it.  Rich people do it, and poor people do it.  Even more poor people can do it thanks to Derailer’s efforts.  I then said I thought that bikes were a good match for the show because storytelling is also a very egalitarian activity.  Pretty much anyone can tell a story.  Doesn’t matter your background, if you have a real experience to share.  Anyone: [rich, poor, mormon missionary], can ride down to the show and hear anyone: [old, young, messenger, weekend cruiser], tell a story.

But who gives a damn about that when I’m thinking about all the crazy stuff I’ve gotten into over the years thanks to my bike?

Posted: May 29th, 2011
Categories: Andrew's Rants, Random thoughts
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Comments: 1 Comment.
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