My daughter and my girlfriend’s son have their own cooking show, ‘The Barefoots’, and The Denver Post was cool enough to come by and do a little story on the show. If you haven’t seen the show, you can find the channel here.
The Barefoots featured in The Denver Post!
The Unicorn Episode 10 with Chris Fairbanks
Chris Fairbanks joins us to talk about orgasmic meditation classes, the evils of circumcision and condom-eating dogs, and the most proper way to masturbate with a Spiegel catalog. As always, this podcast about sex and relationships is very NSFM (Not Safe For Moms). Enjoy!
The Unicorn Episode 09 with Rory Scovel
In this episode, our first married guest—the fabulous Rory Scovel—takes a trip across the full spectrum of the 1-to-99 scale in a matter of minutes, Talitha quizzes Rory and Andrew on female anatomy using a giant vulva muppet, Andrew explains how “Revenge of the Nerds” had a profound influence on his childhood view of sex, and lots more. Give a listen!
The Unicorn Episode 08 with David Gborie
We sat down with David Gborie to conduct a live test of “Crazy Girl Wanna Be Tight” gel and find out the weirdest inanimate object he’s ever had sex with. As always, NSFM! (Not Safe For Moms). Andrew’s disclaimer: I know some cool people in Oakland, and if I ask someone if they live in Oakland, it’s because I think of them as a cool person, NOT AS A BLACK PERSON.
The Unicorn Episode 07 with Ben Kronberg
I’ve known Ben for my entire comedy career and he is hands-down one of the most unique, creative and just plain fucking weird comics I know. But don’t take my word for it, listen to his episode of The Unicorn, which may be our best yet!
The Unicorn Episode 06 with Michelle Miracle
Episode 6: Michelle Miracle We chat about our Air Sex moves (or maybe just mine) and Michelle Miracle redefines horror talking about the worst dick she’s ever ‘seen’.
The Unicorn Episode 05 with Baron Vaughn
It’s episode 5 of The Unicorn, with Baron Vaughn! Despite Baron’s rapid-fire, dizzying comedy skills on stage, this episode reveals his more thoughtful side.
The Unicorn Episode 04 with Kristin Rand
Denver comedian and actor Kristin Rand joined Talitha K and I to talk about rape-proof underpants, minty-cool man gravy, and relationship tips for polyamorous kindergarteners. Yes, that’s a thing. Give a listen!
The Unicorn Episode 03 with Dave Stone & Special Co-Host Amber Tozer
It’s the third episode of ‘The Unicorn’! Comedian Dave Stone was kind enough to stop by one afternoon during the High Plains Comedy Festival and guest co-host Amber Tozer filled in admirably for Talitha K. This episode is really funny, hope you enjoy listening as much as we enjoyed making it!
The End of an Era.
It’s never fun to announce one’s retirement from a profession, especially a profession they excelled in. You see it all the time with pro athletes: a reluctance to let go until the time has clearly passed them by and they’re forced to give it up. I don’t ever want to be that person, so it’s with a somber mood that I must announce my own retirement.
What? No, not from comedy, dicknuts. I’m just pretty good at comedy, and I’ve only been doing it 10 years. I’m retiring from an illustrious 15-year career of drinking alcohol.
I know, I know, what the hell? To the casual observer I’m still in my prime! No obvious injuries or serious health issues plaguing me, so what gives? Simply put, a pro knows when it’s over. They know when the passion is gone and they’re just going through the motions. In the past I would just ‘take a break’ and put myself on the disabled list for a month or two. I had no problem keeping off the sauce, but the problem was that it was just a way of stretching out the damage over time and proving to myself that I ‘still had it’.
At least I’m going out with some great stats, let’s look at the career numbers:
Times drunk: 2 Zillion
Times puked: 003 (sorry TJ)
DUIs deserved: 080 (pre-2003 season turnaround)
Women leched: 000
Spontaneous hugs: 543
Regretted sex: 002
Lost phones/keys: 001
I always wanted to be the guy who could have a beer with lunch, or the guy who had a pina colada while on vacation on the beach, but instead I turned out to be the guy who has six or ten cocktails on a Wednesday just because. And since my body seems uniquely suited for processing any quantity of alcohol, instead of puking it up like a normal person might after overindulging, I would top it off with a few slices of pizza with hot sauce and then pass out, letting my poor body handle that mess all night. Sort of like putting your computer in sleep mode right in the middle of rendering a feature film. Having one drink doesn’t appeal to me at all, it’s like one french fry, or one sip of coffee, or one kiss: I want them all.
There aren’t many experiences in my life that I can definitively say I’ve taken to their limit, but drinking might be at the top of the list. My friend Ben cautioned me against saying I was done drinking ‘forever’ but I am done for now, I want my general state to be ‘not drinking’. If I feel like a drink, I can take a bike ride, shoot a basketball, tune a script, write a story, work on music, build some Legos, or just make some tea and read comic books.
So why write this, and share it? Who gives a shit? Well the main reason is so that I don’t have to explain all of this every time I’m in a social situation. People know me as someone who generally drinks, and if I say I’m not, then there’s a list of questions, which I would prefer answering as few times as possible. Because I agree: it is boring to talk about.
I would like to say thanks to a few people who in their own way (just by living) inspired me: Ben Roy, Amber Tozer, Jake Weisman, Rob Delaney, and Andy Haynes, to name a few. People who have remained hilarious and relevant in comedy, even after deciding not to drink. If any career loathes the non-drinker, it’s certainly comedy.
So, will I miss anything? Definitely. I’ll miss hanging out in my favorite brewery, TRVE. I’ll miss never getting to do the wine show idea with Adam. I’ll miss having beers on my porch on a late summer evening, watching my daughter learn how to ride her bike. But at least I won’t miss her 18th birthday.