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You Have Already Made It

Congratulations, friend, you have made it!

At some point in most artist’s lives, they decide they want to create their art as a career choice. They want to do it. They want to make it. If there is one term in the comedy industry vocabulary to describe success, it’s making it. We leap and sometimes flop over our occupational hurdles in rabid pursuit of making it.

But you’re wrong. You’ve already made it.

By most people’s criteria, I’ve just recently made it. I’ve performed standup on The Tonight Show and now have the opportunity to get paid to create a sitcom I co-created. So at this point you might be saying, “Well, Andrew, fuck you. Sure it’s easy to sit on that little sack of success and holler down at me, the toiler, that I’ve made it. Save your fucking pep talk.”

But that’s exactly why I can tell you that you’ve made it. Because I’ve walked a bit ahead, just around the bend, so I can report back to you. I’ve spent twelve years focused intently on my comedy career, and the only epiphany I’ve had since making it is that I actually made it long, long ago.

The first time I made it was in May of 2003, when I was holding on tightly to the cool rock wall backstage at the downtown Comedy Works. The terrible book on how to perform comedy I read said not to drink before going onstage but I had lubed up with a few vodka cranberries. When my time came I lurched through the curtain and babbled two minutes of jokes.

But I made it. I did some art. I created some jokes, shared them, and- without trying to sound pretentious when describing jokes about traffic construction- put something enjoyable into the world that wasn’t there before. And this is the greatest of human endeavors, art.

But somewhere along the line, I bought into the fucked-up and just dumb inverted power dynamic that turns art into a commodity, and places you, the creator, at the bottom of that flipped pyramid. You, the comedian who just ate shit on a TV showcase, who walks alone to your car, wondering just where everything dissolved. You, the writer, sending out submissions and feeling lucky just to get a rejection letter in return. You, the musician hammering out songs wondering how anyone will ever hear them. You are not making it because other people cannot make money off of your efforts.

This inverted power dynamic tells you that your art is only valid when it is a product that is consumed on a large scale. Get on TV. Get paid money for what you do. Sell your book. Sell your album. But this isn’t making it, it’s selling it. As a quick aside, there’s nothing wrong with selling it. I’m incredibly humbled and mind-blowingly fortunate to get money for telling jokes and writing scripts. This is all I want to do, and the more I can do it and not worry about rent, the better.

But I would do it for free. I know I would because I have. Lots. When I was making The Grawlix web series, I remarked many times how much I loved it and how I would do it for free, forever. Because I was making it. Because I had made it. So if you love what you do and you would do it for free, then congrats- you’ve also made it.

To you, the comic who has waited all night to go up last at an open mic in front of six people- you’ve made it. To you, the actor waiting for an audition, feeling insecure and out of place- you’ve made it. To you, the writer who self-publishes your books just to share them with friends- you’ve made it. To you, the musician who would rather give her music away online just to be heard, you’ve made it.

So take heart, creators.

You have already made it.

You are already here.

Posted: March 12th, 2015
Categories: Andrew's Rants, Random thoughts
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The Unicorn Episode 14 with Shawn Pearlman

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Shawn Pearlman dropped by on Halloween (Talitha was dressed as an angel) to discuss catcalling, puppet fetishes, gaming the antiquated premarital sex rules, and how to use time travel to pleasure your younger self. As always, this podcast about sex and relationships is very NSFW and NSFM (Not Safe For Moms). Enjoy!

Posted: December 6th, 2014
Categories: The Unicorn Podcast
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The Unicorn Episode 13 with The Puterbaugh Sisters

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The Puterbaugh Sisters! This episode was a blast. Tiffany and Danielle talked with us about government-run sex toy sales, drunk FaceTime sex, and the wonderous world of digital stimulation. As always, this podcast about sex and relationships is very NSFW and NSFM (Not Safe For Moms). Enjoy!

Posted: November 7th, 2014
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The Tonight Show!

If you’re on my site you probably already knew this, but I’ll be telling jokes on The Tonight Show this coming Monday night! I am so excited that I am more just like a shuffling idiot zombie than stereotypically peppy. I can’t wait! And of course, my brain is already cooking up some stress nightmares for me! Here’s last night’s journal:

-As my set started, a black widow spider crawled out from the back of my sweater and bit me on the neck. I finished my set, but the bite swelled up horribly.

-Then my brain figured let’s take two on this, and the dream was the same, except when the spider emerged, Questlove ran over and brushed it off and saved me.

-Still not content, my brain took another take, and in this one a giant, Middle-Earth caliber spider dropped down and chomped me.

Posted: October 10th, 2014
Categories: In the news, Random thoughts
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The Unicorn Episode 12 with Andy Haynes

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Andy Haynes joined us during High Plains Comedy Festival to discuss flogging dolphins for science, comedy groupies, the non-myth of blue balls, dry humping and much much more. As always, this podcast about sex and relationships is very NSFW and NSFM (Not Safe For Moms). Enjoy!

Posted: October 3rd, 2014
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The Unicorn Episode 11 with Nick Ross

nick-rossNick Ross joined us to discuss post-sex selfies, coconut oil, the terrors and wonders of public sex, and his favorite nickname for doing the deed. As always, this podcast about sex and relationships is very NSFW and NSFM (Not Safe For Moms). Enjoy!

 

Posted: September 5th, 2014
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The Barefoots featured in The Denver Post!

My daughter and my girlfriend’s son have their own cooking show, ‘The Barefoots’, and The Denver Post was cool enough to come by and do a little story on the show. If you haven’t seen the show, you can find the channel here.

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Posted: August 20th, 2014
Categories: In the news, Random thoughts
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The Unicorn Episode 10 with Chris Fairbanks

chris-fairbanks Chris Fairbanks joins us to talk about orgasmic meditation classes, the evils of circumcision and condom-eating dogs, and the most proper way to masturbate with a Spiegel catalog. As always, this podcast about sex and relationships is very NSFM (Not Safe For Moms). Enjoy!

Posted: July 15th, 2014
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The Unicorn Episode 09 with Rory Scovel

 

Rory Scovel in a muppet vulva

In this episode, our first married guest—the fabulous Rory Scovel—takes a trip across the full spectrum of the 1-to-99 scale in a matter of minutes, Talitha quizzes Rory and Andrew on female anatomy using a giant vulva muppet, Andrew explains how “Revenge of the Nerds” had a profound influence on his childhood view of sex, and lots more. Give a listen!

Posted: June 11th, 2014
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The Unicorn Episode 08 with David Gborie

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We sat down with David Gborie to conduct a live test of “Crazy Girl Wanna Be Tight” gel and find out the weirdest inanimate object he’s ever had sex with. As always, NSFM! (Not Safe For Moms). Andrew’s disclaimer: I know some cool people in Oakland, and if I ask someone if they live in Oakland, it’s because I think of them as a cool person, NOT AS A BLACK PERSON.

Posted: April 12th, 2014
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